I love reading things written about nice guys. I think its such an interesting psychological peak into a group of people who is having a lot of trouble, but obviously isn’t sure why.
I have never been a nice guy, and I don’t know what it feels like to be one, but what nice guys do, and what everyone hates about everyone that does this not just nice guys, is they play the victim.
"You broke up with me because you didn’t understand what a nice guy I was and all the things I was going to do for you in the future." said everyone whining self identified nice guy.
I know there are a lot of crazy people out there, a lot of people who want drama and passion and they want to be a mess, they crave a bit of violence, or turbulence. So maybe you ended up with a crazy girl who just can’t deal with peace. My Nana is like this, she neeeeds drama. And if that’s the case in the end, you nice guy, didn’t wanna be with her in the first place, because what you want is a nice girl.
But what the nice guy seems to fail to consider is that maybe their all encompassing “I’ve got you, no matter what you’ve been through” can be a little smothering. But maybe not in the way they typically consider.
Most people who have been through something that’s made them a bit unbalanced need to deal with it themselves. As much as you want to talk about it with them, they need to be allowed to do so at their own rate, and they need to feel empowered about their feelings.
As Dale Carnegie says, most of the worst offending criminals in all of history do not see themselves as criminals, they rationalize their behavior to themselves so that what they did, what they do, makes sense and how could anyone else not get it. Nice guys rationalize that because they are so nice, its obviously the girls’ they date’s fault that it didn’t work out. But maybe most of these girls that are up and running away from those guys who are so nice and would do anything to help their girls, are just running away from a man who’s put himself in the rescuer role..
Check out this graphic for a good understanding of the “Dreaded Drama Triangle”
When somebody plays the rescuer role, “I can help you if you’d only let me” and somebody else is resisting, what they are resisting is allowing someone else to “rob them of the ability to help themselves” (my mom says this line all the time, sorry if it sounds dramatic, but its accurate). Maybe nice guys would have more luck if they didn’t go around trying to help anyone. Because that’s what they’re upset about right? That they’re there and willing, but being pushed away. You’re trying to rescue girls who do not want to be victims. When you frame your mindset in this way, it is obvious to the other person. No matter how many times you tell yourself, I’m just trying to help, what you’re really doing is just trying to take control.
And when you can’t have control, you get hurt, and play the victim and make your girlfriend into the prosecutor, she did it to you. And then you ask her to rescue you, by allowing you to rescue her.
Sounds like a lot of game playing. Here’s the kicker, you can’t leave this triangle of dysfunction that someone else is asking you to be a part of, from anywhere but the position of the bad guy, which we see in men who write stories about how nice they are and how dumb the girls they date are.
And then there’s the other ever present fact to consider, most of the time, it just doesn’t work out between anyone, no matter what your self proclaimed status of human is. Maybe she’s just telling you whatever you want to hear, or maybe she doesn’t know why she doesn’t want to be with you, but plain and simple, you just aren’t doing it for her.
And that my friends, just makes you fucking normal.